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[Smoking at the podium is probably bad form, but here's Penelope, doing exactly that thing.]

How do you dress when you're at home? Is it different from how you dress when you're at work, or when you're out running errands, or when you're out partying or whatever?

Do you feel like what you wear is part of your personality, or do you use it to mask your personality from the uncaring eye of society or whatever?

Or do you feel like clothes are unimportant and don't have any impact on who you are at all? Because you're frankly fucking wrong, if that's what you think, but I mean I'm not your mom who clearly raised you wrong, so who am I to judge, right?

[Penelope feels she is precisely the one to judge. Everything. Clearly.]

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I grew up in a rural, cold area, so I don't get to dress very well, I think — I usually wear leggings, sometimes with skinny jeans over them, and fuzzy sweaters, dresses with flowers on them, or t-shirts with the neck cut open. And black boots that lace up the front. If you don't wear waterproof boots in Provideniya, your shoes will get soaked. I don't wear make-up. I dress the same pretty much anywhere, but when I work, I have to roll my sleeves up and wear gloves.

The man I see in New York says I don't look very cosmopolitan, but that it isn't a bad thing? He might just be saying that.

Sounds a lot like Minnesota to be honest. There's always something to be said for utility, especially where cold weather and snow are concerned. Fashion tends to forget it exists, and then like 70% of the population is like "WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SELL ME WINTER SHOES WITH OPEN TOES? I DON'T UNDERSTAND" and that's money they don't make.

I would like to make money from those people also. All the money.

Also the man you see in New York is a prick who sounds a lot like the kind of guy who refers to anything that isn't in NY or LA as "flyover country" for saying that shit. Next time he says you don't look very "cosmopolitan" you tell him he doesn't look very "like he's going to get any tonight or ever again if he keeps insulting you with that bullshit". Do it for the vine.

Ehhh... whatever fits.

( they're 6' 4", and about 90% of that is leg; nothing is ever long enough or narrow enough, and they can't afford anything new, so everything secondhand gets chopped up and frankensteined back together. )

Wow. Do you model? That's an unnecessary question; are you going to model for me?

[I MUST WRAP YOU IN FUR i mean what]

— What? Oh, um — no, uh, no thank you, uh.

Why not, though.

Um...

I can't.

Why not, though.

( is she seriously asking why they can't perform a job that entails being looked at by a lot of people )

I, ehm... uh...

( face slowly reddening... )

Shy? Seriously? You look like that and you're shy?

[How ANNOYING. Hmm. She cocks a hip and strokes her chin, studiously evaluating the situation.]

I can fix shy. What's your inseam?

... Long.

( they're not sure. they might have grown. )

Okay, here's a question: Do any of the clothes you currently own actually fit you correctly? I assume you're buying off-the-rack.

I, ehm... not really...

( even the big and tall store doesn't have anything — they're only one of those adjectives — and it's all overpriced anyway. )

I don't know, I go to charity shops...

Oh, pumpkinblossom. No.

[Penelope is SO MUCH SHORTER than them, but please look at how she just blazes with truth and righteousness when she talks about clothes. It is striking.]

Work for me, I will make ALL your clothes. And they will fit. Fit properly. And they will be so nice. You will be a walking advertisement for me and my astronomical skill and you will get paid AND you will get a wardrobe that befits someone of your status as a magical fashion unicorn. Do the thing.

I, uh... um... I, uh... don't... know if I can.

( what even is happening here )

Uh. Some people have told me I have my tits half-out too often.

Those people are wrong.

And you would be correct. Style is subjective, but titties are always in vogue.

This is a really good question because I am in sartorial flux right now. I used to wear a lot of little floral dresses and stompy boots and this gigantic fringed brown suede jacket from the 60s, which my mother once called disgusting, but. She has strong feelings about clothes, actually.

Also, my first job is in a hospital, and everyone thinks doctors who wear scrubs outside of the hospital are gross. Quite rightly.

There is nothing wrong with any of the things you just mentioned, generally. I trust your judgement.

Nobody should wear scrubs except hospital professionals in a hospital environment. Back in the 2000s there was some kind of trend to wear them as like, real human being clothes, and it made me physically angry.

That is both fashionably unwise and really unintelligent for a health professional! I somehow missed that trend, though, was it an American thing, or what?

Yeah. I think it was just one of those "meh, i want to wear low-effort comfy clothes and call it fashionable" trends that pops up every so often. Those Juicy Couture tracksuits was more of the same. Seeing those still makes me want to use my fingernails to dig eyeballs out of sockets, it's that bad.

I liked those trends better when it was grunge.

Trackies are still very much a thing in some parts of the world, I'm sorry to say. Complete with the derriere slogans. You know, for the ladies.

At least grunge made sense. Nobody makes a tracksuit look cool. Same with scrubs, sorry hot doctors everywhere.

Some parts of the world are decades behind, fashion-wise. Large parts of Canada were trapped in a time pocket from 1988 until about 2007. Now they're up to about the mid-90s, which thankfully for them, is back in again.

We accept your apology. [ junior doctors count!! ]

A lot of Eastern Europe — at least, where I have lived — is not dissimilar, except it's more 2003ish.

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