askandanswer | (no subject)

[ She nods--grave, sympathetic. ]

I can't imagine what it must be like. Or how much you might want to be without it.

...I don't know. I go back and forth. A lot of the time I think I'd like to get rid of my shadow--it's not--it's a problem. But then I worry about changing some part of myself that much.

So then I think I ought to write a book... but I'm probably going to do that anyway, whether it winds up failing or not.

Maybe I'd try to patch up my family. Get us all close again.

[Ethan smiles softly when she nods with that sympathy in her expression.]

I don't know that I could put to words how much.

[It's said quietly, honestly before he listens.] ...your shadow? It can be the danger of any major change to oneself. What are we without it? Even when it's something we might not like.

What's the book going to be about? [her final answer makes him smile though, because if there is anything he understands it's family, how important it is for family to be close.] Very good answer. That last one.

Well... okay. Maybe not getting rid of my shadow, like, entirely. Maybe just... changing the fact that it's not like everyone else's.

[ She doesn't particularly want to stand out that way. Hasn't ever been comfortable with it. ]

I'd write the book about a case I worked on. When I find the right one, I'll know. But it's gotta be something I reported on from the start, so I know the story better than anyone to write it.

[ She nods. ] I know family's everything but. I don't know. I feel like we all have no idea what to do with each other now that we're all adults.

How... is it not like everyone else's?

[The question is asked softly without any pressure for her to answer if she doesn't want to talk about it.

Ethan frowns quietly. His chest kind of aches. Family is important, but.] I think... life can honestly sneak up on you in a way you're not prepared for. Before you know it, you're so far away from the people you love and grew up with.

Everyone else's can't take solid form, I'm pretty sure.

[ She spreads her hands. ]

Our lives did that, yeah. We've also been broken for a long time. I think we've grown apart and don't really know how to come back together again.

They... can't, no. I can't imagine what that must be like.

[It's said softly before he nods. His jaw locks a bit in understanding. Something twists up in his chest.]

When you become broken, it can be hard to know how you all fit together anymore, how you ever did to start with. Do you.. think the rest of your family wants to?

I'm not sure. I can't tell if they want to. Or if they'll think it's too much effort.

Maybe they would want to too. Maybe they feel the same way that you do but I know it's difficult to ask.

Scary.

I know. I guess I'll never know if I don't ask, or try.

But I'm not sure how I'd handle it if I tried and they were like, "No, we're good, thanks."

I understand. Easier to avoid than... find out the truth is something that rejects you. Rejects something that means so much to you.

Even if you're almost certain they'd want it too, it's that small percentage that is uncertain that makes it easier to... not ask. It'd take a lot of courage. I've never particularly thought of myself as very brave.

[ She sighs, nodding. ]

I guess... right now I only worry they don't feel the same way I do, that they won't want to reconcile.

It's a terrifying thought that I could ask and find out that's how they feel for sure. To know I'm being rejected.

It's easier to only worry than to find out the truth and have that... shatter you.

[It's said in quiet understanding. To find out that you aren't wanted by the people that you love isn't-- It's terrifying even if he has hope for her.]

It's okay to be scared. I think I've learned that. Wish I could give you advice on how to face that fear, but-- I hope when you do find that courage, and I'm certain you will-- I hope they know how good it'd be for all of you to be family again.

Thank you. That means a lot to me. I hope I find that strength too.

You're very welcome. [Someone believed in him in the past when he didn't and couldn't believe in himself, and it made all the difference.]

Did you ever have to find that kind of strength?

Multiple times, I think. I'm not... always successful at it, I'm afraid. Once I wasn't successful again and again, and then it was too late. [His mother died before he could make anything right with her, and he never forgets that. It stays and weighs on him.]

I'm sorry you went through that.

Me too. Mostly I'm... sorry and hate that I never had the courage to say what I needed to say. I'm sorry things broken between you and your family too.