askandanswer | (no subject)

Oh, I like compliments! [ Any compliments. Why aren't you complimenting him? ]

I also like to use the one where I walk into a room and all the ladies faint, that one is my best I think. Perhaps you could try that?

[Cue one completely awe-struck look.]

You can make all the ladies in a room faint? I need to know how to do this.

Why... yes! I always could. It's quite easy, you do have the looks to pull it off.

Do you have a piece of paper and some writing utensils?

Uh... gimme a second.

[Peter pats himself down, coming up with a KFC receipt and a very tiny pencil he probably stole from a golf course. He flattens the receipt as best he can on the podium, and he looks up again, very tiny pencil at the ready.]

Go on.

[ Gilderoy is delighted by this young man's enthusiasm! He beams and begins to explain how to, ehm, Lockhart properly. ]

Well... to begin with, being handsome just isn't enough for the ladies of today. Although it is most certainly a start!

It is about a combination of dazzling good looks, confidence, fashion-sense and witty charm. You must master the perfect wink, the perfect smile, and remember to smile with your eyes as well, though for you I'd say the wardrobe is the biggest issue. What on earth are you wearing, my dear boy?

[ What is all of that? What are those straps even for? Why not a cravat. ]

The perfect...

[Mumbling to himself while taking these very important notes.]

Wink... smile... with eyes... war... what?

[He looks up, brows knit.]

Ladies dig the leather, man. Besides, it's functional. I lead a busy life where business and pleasure intersect--and often collide violently with no warning.

[We can't all wear capes, bro.]

The perfect smile. Very good! [ Gilderoy praises him as though he's one of his little students and in a way, he very much is despite being quite a bit bigger than Professor Lockhart. ]

Oh- I happen to be a traveling adventurer and monster slayer myself but you don't see me dressing casually. There is no reason you can't wear a nice puffy-sleeved shirt or a lilac cape while out fighting things!

There's a lot of reasons why I can't wear puffy shirts and capes, man. Most of them involve getting my ass handed to me.

[He gestures at his own ensemble.]

This works for me. Trust me.

[Is that a walkman? They don't even have those in America anymore- they still had them in Serbia when he left, but that's besides the point. Country boy, you know...]

My cousin, Roman, he gets a lot of girls by telling them that they are smart and beautiful. But he is also a big softy, a good person, and I think they can tell he has no harm in him. He just wants to make them happy. He doesn't mind them laughing at him.

[Yes, that is a Walkman. They still had them in America when he left; this one is especially special because ~~his mom gave it to him~~ it provides the soundtrack to the most epic adventures of the most notorious outlaw: Star Lord.]

I'm all those things.

...Wait, no, I'm most of those things. Can't promise I won't do someone some harm.

He is pretty obviously a big softy. And he is very confident with them, and they seem to like that. Like he has his head together.

But I am not so much. I ah... I get nervous around pretty girls. Sometimes forget my English and for some reason I usually don't have to make come on lines to go out with them.

[Though he does sometimes say stupid things to see if they'll take him to bed after they've gone out, because why not?]

Hey, man, a lot of ladies like it when you're shy or nervous. Brings out their protective instincts, or it makes them feel like, wow, I'm a little intimidating.

I wish it was something I could try. I just... can't be shy or nervous.

I have screwed up quite a few dates by just taking her somewhere she doesn't like or wearing clothes that she doesn't approve of.

It sounds like you're caught between a rock and a hard place, friend.

Hey, man, at least you're trying. You're out there making an effort. I gotta respect that and I hope the ladies do too.

[He shrugs.]

I guess I'm just gonna have to go with confidence. I've got a ton of that.

[So modest, this one.]

I am confident at least where there is not actually asking of the girl out. The rest of it goes pretty good. I take her somewhere she likes. Wear things she thinks are hot.

I need to find more ladies that are not terrible people, though. I have only met a couple.

Where are you hanging out, man, that all the ladies are terrible people?

My cousin Roman talked me into going on dates with an internet dating site in Liberty City. Is stupid, the whole thing! One woman only talks about how she wants me to buy her an apartment and a titty job. One woman can't remember what part of Europe I'm from and thinks I am the Spanish guy she fucks, and brags that she is slumming it with someone who lives where the "help" does. One slashes my tires and tells me gay people are terrible because they break up marriages.

My luck is not the best.

...Dude.

All those dating sites are always skeevy, man. At least in a bar, you can check someone out a little and hope for the best. With those sites you never know what you're gonna get.

I don't know, I figure if I try to talk to a drunk lady I will also probably not know what I am going to get. You must go to better bars than I have.

I just have a talent for picking the best.

[ ...No, he doesn't. ]

I could take you to some bars sometime, show you how it's done.

Sure, big man, you show me how it's done. Take me to a bar and make ladies like you.

You got any idea where the nearest bar is?

Not from here. I admit, I figured some strange place like this would be a bad place to get drunk if I didn't want to stumble into the wrong universe. But if I'm not drinking too much? It sounds like a plan.

I'm not from here either. But it can't hurt to look. Or maybe ask. I mean, I figure the place has got to have a bar or two? Think about how some booze will loosen people's tongues. Makes for better questions.

Most drunk questions aren't all that good with me but sure, if there's a bar around lets find it and see. [He makes a gesture as if to say, "Lead on".]

Uuuh... okay.

[ Peter scans the area all nonchalant, as if he actually has any clue what's around. ]

There's gotta be something in one of these buildings surrounding this square. Come on.

[The blind is leading the ignorant, except the ignorant is pretty sure this can't be any worse than where he lives so he follows along pretty easily. Whatever. No one has rear-ended anyone else out of the corner of his eye and no random bystanders have shouted profanities.]

[Yet.]

[They might soon. He'll be surprised if they don't.]

Sure. Man, ladies must have a hard time finding dates if they come all the way out here for one.

Edited 2014-10-13 05:47 (UTC)

[ Cue Gisela's lack of surprise this Q&A session was, prior to her arrival, a manfest. ]

Could you define what you mean by "worked" for me first, if you please?

[Hoshit. Tread carefully, Peter.]

"Worked." As in, "didn't get me punched in the junk" or "led to continued conversation and/or a sexual romp later in the evening."

Okay, I wasn't sure if we were defining it purely by sex. Probably the best one I've seen, in terms of reaction... "Sorry, you're so beautiful that by the time I came over here, I'd forgotten my line."

It was sweet, I think, though definitely deliberate. Much cleverer than a neg, or whatever they call it.

Not just sex, no. I mean, sex is great, let's not pretend. I'm a big fan. But it isn't the only goal.

[Clearly impressed.]

Now that's classy. I like that. I'm gonna have to remember that one.

I've got a question for you: do pick-up lines have to be on strangers? Do they still count if someone's using them on a friend or colleague?

I don't see why you couldn't use them on friends or colleagues.

[He does this all the time, seriously.]

Is it less of a challenge, you think, because you already know them? Or more because you'd have to have a better line?

That would depend on the colleague, I imagine.

But, in this case, I have to change my answer. One of my favorite stories applies.

Do tell.

This is my favorite, check this out.

[Penelope approaches POOR, POOR STARLORD and basically forces him, via personal space invasion, a step or two to the side of the podium, which she leans on with one elbow, cocking her hip out to the side. She tosses her hair over her shoulder with her free hand, and makes VERY UNSETTLINGLY DIRECT eye contact with him. It's like she's attempting to intimidate him into being attracted to her, which would be hilarious (because she's like five feet tall in flats) if she weren't actually terrifying.]

Hello. You're hot, and I'm bored. Let's go fuck.

[She relaxes and steps back, shaking out her arms like she's winding down from a workout or something. Back to normal levels of terrifying!]

Now imagine you're at a bar with some bros, half-drunk and bored shitless, desperate for a distraction from how fucking oppressively ordinary your life is, and imagine I have an astonishingly slutty dress on. Works every time.

[He backs up, actually surprised enough to let himself be moved by the sheer force of her approach. For a long moment after she's finished, he stands there, looking down at her appraisingly--look, she asked him to imagine her in the most slutty of dresses, he's gonna do it.]

...Holy shit.

[He breaks into a golf clap, grinning.]

Nice. Nice. I can see where it would--who's gonna resist being offered a good time in such a direct fashion? Cuts through all the crap. I like it.

Why beat around the bush? We both know why we're there. Flirting is, like... actually the most pointless thing. Who cares about compatibility? I just want to get laid.

[there's a brief pause where she hops down from the podium and brushes off her clothes. Was there dust on her? Maybe. Maybe it's just psychologically brushing the stink of the personal space of a boyperson off of her. Who can say!]

Probably it only works if you, like me, are a phenomenally hot babe. If you tried it, you'd probably get your ass kicked. Not that you should let that deter you, some chicks get off on kicking a dude's ass. Might be the closest you get that night. Never know until you try!

I was just thinking, yeah--an astonishingly hot chick, like you, can get away with something like that a lot more easily than I could. Believe me.

[...He's tried. And been punched in the junk for it.]

It'd work. As long as the person in question is into women and has a pulse.

[ gaila's standing up and at attention right away. not that she needs the help of pick-up lines, but she does find human courtship interesting and has used them for totally scientific purposes. ]

That jacket's very becoming on you. Of course, if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

[He breaks into a bright grin.]

Nice. And that's worked for you?

[ she laughs jubilantly ]

That's not how I do things. But I've seen it work a lot better than space pants.

...what are space pants?

[ tips her chin up, giving him the once-over, cranes her neck a little to get a feel for the 360 view (and, well, if his back's anything like his front). ]

Those are. [ tilts her head ] You know, because that ass is out of this world.

[omg he is like *on the verge* of busting out that crumpled KFC receipt and the stolen golf course pencil to write these down.]

...I like it.

[ she's the best at what she does, and what she does is everybody ]

How long since you were on Earth, sailor?

Not since I was a kid. Twenty years, maybe more.

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hi i am alive and tagging again

this is most welcome news

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