askandanswer | (no subject)

I'm pretty sure that's a toupee.

[HELLO WELCOME ENJOY YOUR STAY oh no it's Penelope nevermind.]

[ This is the smile of someone who is actually dead inside now. People can tell? ]

A tou- m-my dear young lady... don't you look just lovely today~! Did you come here for an autograph of yours truly?

Uh huh. Who are you?

[WHO IS THIS CLOWN, HE'S SO PRECIOUS. Penelope senses weakness like a shark senses chum in the water. This will be fun.]

Why, I happen to be the Gilderoy Lockhart. You must've heard of me? Professor Lockhart?

[ He lets out a nervous little giggle. Yes, a giggle. Pleasebegentle. ] And I assure you, these beautiful golden curls are entirely my own.

Uh, never heard of you. Were you on RuPaul's Drag Race? 'Cuz I've missed the last like, two seasons.

[PLEASE. Penelope is a fashion designer. She thinks she knows a wig when she sees one, "Professor". She doesn't say anything about it, though, she just smirks knowingly. She knows.]

I beg your pardon? I'm afraid I've never heard of Paul's... Drag Race, dear. Is it an awfully important thing around here?

[ Can Gilderoy be on it and win more awards? She's making him awfully nervous, though. The way she keeps looking at his toupee and smirking just plain frightens him! ]

Edited 2014-10-01 01:29 (UTC)

Oh lord. I pity a world without Ru. Uh, not so much around here, more where I'm from.

...I'm actually dreading this, but I'm going to ask you anyway, just in case it's hilarious; so who actually are you, and why are you acting like I should know and/or care?

[GILDEROY WOULD MAKE IT HALFWAY THROUGH THE SEASON AND THEN BE ELIMINATED AFTER ATTEMPTING TO LIPSYNCH TO A BRITNEY SPEARS SONG AND FAILING MISERABLY AND YOU KNOW IT]

Is he or she famous as well?

Oh, I am a very very famous wizard known all across the wizarding world for my daring deeds, bravery, amazing fashion sense and dazzling good looks... it is a shame you darling people just haven't had the chance to get to know me yet! You DO miss out.

[ This is very very true. Don't introduce Gilderoy to Britney, it'll be a match made in blondeness, glitter and failed diets. ]

You're a witch? No shit. Me too.

[Penelope's day is getting better and better. Someone has given her this fabulous gift and when she finds that person, she is going to marry them. Forever.]

Please tell me you're not from the Welsh kindred or I am going to laugh for eternity.

[These are some of her native world's magic-using-people's terms, and she's well aware that people from other worlds might not understand them, but on the off chance, she uses them anyway. Also, she's not exactly the sort to care whether people understand her or not, as long as she's enjoying herself. Which she very, very much is.]

I am a wizard, darling! Surely it must be obvious that I'm all man?

[ Gilderoy shakes his head once asked if he's Welsh. With that very posh British accent, really? ] Afraid not, are you from Wales yourself?

But it is delightful to meet a witch in these parts, although you must be quite sheltered not to recognize me~ Could I interested you to purchase some of my books?

I'm from Minnesota. [WHICH ANSWERS NOTHING, honestly, but she's descended from English kindred. Not the Salem branch, thankfully. Her line came over far, far later. Like post-WWII later. Not that she's volunteering that information to Professor Powderpuff, here!]

"Witch" is gender-neutral. Do you think it's derogatory to associate yourself with feminine-derived terms? Why do you hate women, Gilderoy?

[This is all stated utterly deadpan, with just the slight smirk of a cat who has just knocked all your shit off your desk while staring straight at you. As if to say, now what.]

Isn't that in- Canada, yes? [ Gilderoy's geography knowledge isn't as good as it aught to be. Professor Powderpuff is just the perfect name for him and more people should use it~ Really, though he does know about the Salem thing since it IS taught at Hogwart's, it probably wouldn't make a lot of sense if she explained about her actual family history. This is a /very/ blonde wizard. ]

Oh... I beg your pardon? I love the ladies, without them I wouldn't sell a single book! And I've always been a perfect gentleman. [ He's just so deeply confused. ]

You should be more careful. You'll attract Greek gods.

I don't understand, darling! Would they very jealous of my smile? [ Being a wizard, Gilderoy isn't too knowledgeable about muggle religions, let alone ancient muggle religions. ]

They might be! And they tend to get wrathful when that happens.

Oh dear... I'm sure it won't be all that bad! We're not in Greece. [ Because Gods only attack people from their... own country, yes? Merlin, he's getting a little confused! ]

I feel your pain, sir. [ #thestruggleisreal ] It must take you hours upon hours to look that good.

[ Isn't it such a burden? ] Oh, I actually wake up looking like this... can you believe it?

[ People wouldn't even recognize him in the morning. The hair alone takes fifty minutes. ]

[w h a t]

I'm sure the mirror misses you, too.

C'mon, you must have some theory. Or are you not as clever as you are pretty?

Don't be silly, my dear fellow! This- this isn't a laughing matter. [ Gilderoy is dead serious about all of this. ]

Well... I want to say it's a combination of my perfect teeth, perfect hair and radiant complexion but then my figure is very dashing as well, wouldn't you say?

[ Don't look directly at Lockhart's pants. ]

[TOO LATE.]

Who's laughing, mate? I'm not laughing.

[Okay, maybe inwardly.]

Quite the youthful figure. What's your secret?

Why thank you~! My secret is- ehm. Well.

I most certainly don't say no to a piece of pumpkin pie, you know! [ Gilderoy is afraid he can't quite pinpoint the secret to his cherubic but in shape look. ]

But you're very slender. Nothing to worry about there... you look quite like I did at your age, if not as pretty I'm sad to say.

Pumpkin pie, eh? I'll have to try it.

[Up go the eyebrows, a grin tugging at his lips.]

At my age? What, when you were forty-five?

You're forty-five? [ Gilderoy's hopes and dreams shatter before your very eyes, Constantine. This place is going to be the death of him. Then, the smile returns. ]

One CAN tell, I'm afraid. I was only- only-

We're about the same age... how fun! When- when is your birthday?

Forty-five indeed. Wish I could say it was clean living.

[What's the point of demonic taint if you can't have fun with it, is what he says. Also he's a bastard.]

Tenth of May. That makes me a Taurus with Mercury ruling over me birthday. In case you were wondering if we're compatible.

[...John.]

Mine is the 26th of J-January. Ehm- compatible for what, my dear fellow?

[ Gilderoy can't look more befuddled if he tried. Wait. Is this man trying to seduce him? He'd best be careful around this rogue. ]

I must've given you the wrong impression! I'm a teacher, you know. I'm not a- a- teeheehee~ [ Oh no he's giggling. Why do this, John? ]

Edited 2014-10-05 19:16 (UTC)

A teacher.

[A smirk curves John's mouth as he rifles about in his coat for cigarettes and lighter. He pinches a cigarette in the corner of his mouth, lights it, exhales a lungful of smoke before carrying on.]

Young teacher, the subject
of schoolgirl fantasy

Or so said some bloke in a song once. Good-looking fellow himself.

Why yes! Only recently, since the beginning of this year-

[ Gilderoy raises his eyebrows at the, ehm, gentleman singing that peculiar song. Then, he beams. ]

I'm afraid so...! I've received countless Valentine's Day cards from students, a great many. It was such fun, those poor dears. My heart does go out to them.

I do love to teach. I used to be a traveling adventurer but teaching is a lovely change from the usual.

...Valentine's cards.

[Careful, John, don't choke on the sweetness there.]

What sort of adventuring did you get up to on your travels?

I slay deadly creatures, monsters and such.. werewolves, vampires, yetis, ghouls, all sorts! It is quite exciting though a hassle to keep one's hair tidy. [ Gilderoy looks like he'd be scared to walk through a darkly lit street or something. ]

Would you like to purchase one of my books?

[John looks up, eyebrows raised as he takes another drag off his cigarette.]

What a coincidence--I do similar work. Dunno that I have much occasion for slaying but I do hunt down and deal with all sorts of supernatural beings.

...One of your books?

Why, yes! I am a best-selling author as well... isn't it splendid? But perhaps we aught to go hunt monsters together sometime?

[ Gilderoy is hoping to take credit, of course. It'll be only too easy if this fellow already trusts him. ]

[ He wants to go... oh dear. Dear, oh dear. This could be a disaster in the making.

...John, you're not supposed to find that appealing.

But, really, couldn't it be entertaining? If it doesn't get them killed, of course. ]

Perhaps we ought to, yeah.

We most certainly aught to, my dear fellow! [ Gilderoy gives him a hearty pat on the shoulder. ]

What sort of creatures do you suppose we'll be facing... as in, will I need my red robes for this? [ The splattered with demon blood look only frightens his female fans. ]

Edited 2014-10-11 09:23 (UTC)

[ Will he need his red-- he's serious about this, isn't he. ]

I usually go after demons and ghosts, myself. The worst of the lot.

Oh, I will tackle ANY deadly creature~ [ Gilderoy winks at him, clearly very confident in his ability to fight demons. ]

It'll be so exciting to have a partner. We'll be best friends, won't we? I can't allow you to share the book cover with me, though...

[ Thankfully John is also confident in his own ability; that's keeping him entertaining this entire idea. ]

S'all right, mate. I prefer to work without the spotlight on me. Complicates things.

I'm glad... it's no use putting such an unphotogenic fellow on the cover. Not that you're bad looking but I doubt you'd photograph as well as I do~

Say, should I bring my riding boots? [ ...you know, for the demons? You shouldn't even think about Gilderoy's brand of logic, for your own sanity's sake. Poor John. ]